Based on some recent comments I’ve received on my post,“why men are afraid of their wives” it has come to my attention that some men were reading it and feeling like it added fuel to their negative feelings about marriage and women. This was absolutely NOT my intent or heart!
I wrote it so women might reconsider how their words affect their husbands and to point out the lesson I myself have had to learn, that men need positive affirmation and encouragement most particularly from their wives. I was trying to point out our power (to do harm and to do good) since it seemed less obvious to me than the power husbands have. I’ve found women tend to doubt their influence more.
After reading the comments, my first instinct was to delete the entire post. Then, I decided I should write a post for men regarding their wives. I know I could never do any topic total justice, but I hope I can at least shed some light on dark places.
I’ve found that folks tend to generalize, categorize, label, and discriminate based on (limited) experience, environment, and upbringing. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the more I’ve learned, the less I know (unsure who said this first!). The fact is, none of us fit nicely in the boxes others create for us. We must allow our actions and words to rip those boxes to shreds.
There is freedom in understanding. As long as we convince ourselves that the hurtful actions toward us stem from an ugly place, we get stuck in anger, vengeance, and/or a desire for revenge. But what if those actions stemmed from hurt or ignorance or insecurity? I am trying to aid understanding, reconciliation, and forgiveness.
A Women Needs…
1. To hear she’s valued, appreciated, chosen by you, her husband. Insecurity or fear of being hurt or rejected is innate in all of us. When we feel safe, we are free to drop the defense mechanisms we employ thinking we’re protecting ourselves. “Fine! I didn’t need you anyway!” You know the drill.
– Your turn! Say something like: “I’m glad I married you.” “I love you exactly as you are.” “Thank you.” “I’m proud to call you my wife.” Do something like: leave little love notes. Plan a date night. Pour her coffee. Pay attention. Ask thoughtful questions.
2. To be found beautiful by you, her husband. We are surrounded by images of women who are perfect. We have been objectified, used, and judged on our appearance. We are not perfect. We get older.
– Your turn! Say something like: “You are beautiful to me.” “I love the way you look.” “I love your inside and outside.” “You are more beautiful to me now than when we first met.” Do something like: kiss her forehead. Kiss her neck. Hug her from behind. Put your hand on her waist or the small of her back. Behave as though you are proud she’s yours. Show your kids the way a man should love and cherish his bride.
Women seem more complicated because we have so many feelings and thoughts SIMULTANEOUSLY. Often these feelings and thoughts are OPPOSITE. Our brains never rest. We feel we are never good enough. We cannot keep up. We are always behind. I’m not saying women are the only ones with the fears, just suggesting we probably worry about them more consistently. WE ARE TIRED from all the thinking and feeling. It might even make us cranky.
Most of us just want to know that we are SEEN. That it’s ok to rest. That we are OK just the way we are.