Disclaimer: Y’all. I need you to know that talking about something as sacred and complicated as sex is not something I take lightly. I know I’m writing in a very conversational style, but I don’t want anyone to be confused about my understanding of the enormity of this task and my complete inadequacy in addressing it fully. I listen to stories and it has been so difficult to lump you all into one “category” where I know full well you do not fit perfectly, or some of you at all. I don’t want you to think I don’t see you. Perhaps you are the higher desire partner, or you are facing something in your marriage or life that is so heartbreaking and BIG that sex is not even on the radar. I see you, friend. I’m not trying to leave you out. I hope you’ll understand I’m doing the best I can with this tiny platform I’ve been given.
Find your number:
How much sex should you be aiming for? What’s normal? And the answer is….(drumroll please) that’s up to you and your husband. I advise that you sit down with your husband and ask him what he would like in terms of frequency. Share what you would like. If his number (or your number) is completely unrealistic, come up with a compromise. 1-2 times a week is very reasonable, BUT there are some couples that find they need more, AND some who are ok with less. You could say something like, “Let’s really make sure we are having sex AT LEAST once a week right now.” If you have more sometimes, AWESOME! If you cannot do your “at least number”, acknowledge it! Don’t let it fester and be the elephant that makes you both start assuming stuff or avoiding stuff. Say, “hey, I know it’s been ___days since we’ve had sex. I am going to do z, y, or z about that.” Seriously doesn’t matter NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT what other people are doing as long as you two are satisfied and are understanding where the other is coming from.
Create space for your number:
So, whatever your number—control whatever is within your power to control to make your “AT LEAST number” a PRIORITY (see my last post for help with that). No excuses. In between those times, make sure sex isn’t your only intimate time with your husband. And if you cannot, or are unable to have sex, you can still act like lovers.
Be lovers in and out of the bedroom:
Practice being lovers with your clothes on and off. Kiss, touch, cuddle, wink, flirt, send sexy texts. Even if you feel totally lame, my guess is your husband would appreciate the effort!
Listen, I’m not asking you to be someone you aren’t, but I am asking you to imagine how you’d behave if you knew that you wouldn’t be embarrassed, ashamed, insecure or afraid of rejection. What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Strengthen your largest sexual organ:
Your largest sexual organ is your brain. Most ladies, particularly after years of marriage and kids experience “normal” female desire. Normal female desire is receptive, or “sex neutral.” This doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy sex! This means that outside circumstances can shift the gear into sex-positive or sex- negative with relative ease. My previous post mentioned lots of things husbands (and you) can do to shift into sex-positive gear. On the other hand, the “turn off” list are all the things that shift us into sex-negative gear and that list gets longer as we get older and after having kids.
Let me try to explain what “sex neutral” means: it means that we usually don’t walk around thinking about sex. Unlike men, we aren’t visual, so seeing a naked man isn’t going to make us aroused. One of our biggest problems can be when we think back to how we felt in the beginning, or we look at his desire and think, “oh no, something’s wrong with me!” or “I have no sex drive anymore!” We have to understand that there isn’t anything wrong with us. Not only do our bodies not respond as quickly or intensely as they have in the past (thanks aging!), but we also have more outside pressures making us too tired to even want to get undressed, much less knock our husband’s socks off with our sexual prowess.
However, it DOES mean now we have to work harder to get in the mood.
Here are a few things to try:
- Notice his butt, his lips, his hands…whatever floats your boat. TRAIN yourself to pay more attention to him, to be more aware of him. Look at the color of his eyes, notice his eyelashes. Notice if he looks tired. Think, “wow, he’s working hard too”.
- Remind yourself of why you married him, why you love him, what he does for you and the family.
- Think back to the best sex you ever had with HIM. Think about the feelings, what he was doing, what you were doing…allow yourself to be turned on.
- Watch him with your kids. Just watch. Allow that to make you want him.
- As you shower that day, think about him. Think about being with him later. Shave your legs, apply lotion, his or your favorite perfume. Put on your good undies, the ones without holes. Think about how happy you’ll make that man you married, the father of your kids, when you surprise him with…you.
I’m not saying this will work every time, but it’ll increase the odds. It’s brain training. And you’ll probably forget after a while. Life will get in the way again. So, write it in your calendar. Set reminders on your phone to “think sex!” You can do it! I’m betting on you.