bad habits

It’s far too easy for me to fall back into bad habits. I can excuse them as being busy or tired, or stressed…but the truth is something a little closer to laziness and an unwillingness to make my health a priority consistently. I am well aware I need to reduce my sugar intake and keep on exercising regularly. I’m sure many of you can relate to this battle, right?

But what about our relational bad habits? Unfortunately, I think most folks are TOTALLY UNAWARE of these in the first place. It’s time we took it back to the basics regarding a few things, my friends. Full disclosure: I have no place to judge: the relational skills I’m about to share are ones that I learned as AN ADULT. Like, mid-twenties, adult, y’all. I did not learn these basic relational skills (for the most part) until then. It’s a crying shame, really. Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you never learned, or maybe you’ve just gotten relationally lazy and fallen into bad habits. Either way, let’s do this! Your people need you to.

Lesson #1: Expressing your feelings with actions.

It is not enough to feel something (aka: gratitude or love); you must express it with your words and actions so the other person feels it, too.

Gratitude:

For Thanksgiving, Andy Stanley preached about gratitude and posited a simple truth: it is not enough to feel gratitude, you have to express it. He goes on to say that failing to express gratitude in a meaningful way (a heartfelt card or phone call) creates a divide in the relationship. He said that there is then something missing, something incomplete. It creates a relational divide and often feels like rejection.

Who do you owe a debt of gratitude to?

Have you expressed your gratitude in a meaningful way?

Love:

Do your people feel loved by you?

It is not enough to say it. Love is a feeling and an action. How do you show love to your people in a way that makes them feel loved? It is possible to KNOW someone loves you and not FEEL loved. This also creates a divide, a disconnect in the relationship. Intimacy suffers.

Lesson #2: Conversation.

If someone asks you a question, answer it and then ASK THEM A QUESTION. It is amazing how many people do not do this. It is awkward and exhausting, people. If nobody wants to talk to you, this may be why. Ask questions! (Listen; sometimes I’m awkward too. It can’t be helped. Especially if I’m caught off guard, like running into someone in the store). But if you’re over at someone’s house, at dinner, or having coffee: have your conversation hat on. Pay attention. Ask questions.

If possible, let the questions be thoughtful. Follow up on what you spoke about the last time you talked. Check in. Show that you listen, are interested,  and that you care. It is amazing how much you can make someone feel cared for by asking a simple follow up question. Also, please do yourself and your people a favor and check out this life-changing blog post for more ideas about question asking!

Best wishes to you as you cultivate good relational habits, my friends.

 

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Save your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions

Not only did this post perfectly put into words a day at home with the kids, but she also so eloquently gives concrete ways to connect better with your spouse/friend/kids, etc. SO GOOD. You must check out http://www.momastery.com, but first…read this!

Save your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions.

dems fightin’ words

Five sure fire ways to start a fight with someone you love today:

  1. “You always __________________!”(forget to…., mess that up, try to upset me, etc)
  2. “You never ____________________!” (listen, do what I want, tell me I’m beautiful…)
  3. “You are such a ________________!” (insert mean name/label here)
  4. “You make me _______________!” (crazy, insane, angry…)
  5. “You asked for it!” (same principle as #4, anything that blames your partner for your behavior)

Five tips that will decrease the probability of a fight:

  1. “I feel ____________ (insert emotion, ex. “hurt”) when you _____________.”(insert specific behavior. Ex. “when you forgot to call me when you said you would”) This works because you are talking about your feelings over a specific behavior. You’re not blaming or making untrue all or nothing statements. When you say, “You always forget to call me!” instead of making your point and feelings heard, your partner is immediately put on the defensive.
  2. “Thank you!”
  3. “Please”
  4. “I love you!”
  5. “May I give you a back massage?”

Good luck!